Stand still so I can pick you up!
by angelps7
Summary: Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy or girlfriend? How was heaven when you left it? Are you sick of lame pickup lines? Well, I rolled them into one crazy fic, with each character and his or her quest to be the ultimate king or queen of love.
1. Draco

A/N: **_WARNING: DANGEROUSLY CHEESY.

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Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Only borrowed with intent of return. Actually, no they are the figments of my imagination. I cant even borrow them. Neither are the pickup lines... borrowed from random sites and experiences.

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This is the tale of love and romance in the Harry Potter world. 

Today we will follow closely a day in the life of Draco Malfoy. A word or two on Draco: he is THE most sought after bachelor in all of the world and its entire entity. Well, not really; just in the confinements of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He is smart, handsome, has the most amazing, chiseled chest, and a dazzling smile, designed to make every woman faint. Well, almost every woman. Draco wasn't too sure yet. That is why today he has made it his personal mission to find out exactly how many women would fall for him. Which, Draco was sure, would be every girl in the school, straight or not.

One last look in the mirror, "and so it begins," Draco smirked to himself as he left his room.

_All right… let's start off slow here,_ he thought as he saw a slightly short Hufflepuff approaching. He flashed a bright white smile at her. "Excuse me, do you have any raisins? (she looked at him blankly) No? How about a date?"

"No… but I've got a peanut," she offered.

"Oh, no thanks," he replied, and she rolled her eyes and walked away.

Draco took a list out of his pocket and crossed off the first line. _She must have had hearing difficulties,_ he reasoned.

26 attempts later, he'd only had 16 successes: he'd gotten 8 numbers (didn't the girls know that fellytones didn't work at Hogwarts?)- obviously they were muggleborns, so he threw them out quickly; 6 yes's to go on a date with him, though he never specified a date or time, and 2 passwords to the common rooms (Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff).

His day so far in review:

After the peanut incident, he happened to pass by a quite exquisite Ravenclaw. And so, dear Draco approached her. "Can I have directions?" he asked her.

"To where?" she wondered, looking at him slightly puzzled. Surely a 7th year Slytherin would know his way around the school, right?

He only smiled. "To your heart."

"Yeah right," she walked away.

He cursed Blaise under his breath. His ideas didn't work.

Next, he passed by a girl-next-door kind of brunette. She was watching him, so he stopped. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" he asked.

"It's okay, I'll walk away," and she did just that.

_Okay…_ he crossed that one off. _Ahh, here is one…_ he walked up to a ditzy looking girl who was obviously confused. Probably wondering why Draco the sexiest man was approaching her, of all people. He stopped a few feet a way from her and stared hard into her eyes. For a really long time.

"…" she raised her eyebrows.

"Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!"

"What? I'm not THAT complicated," she huffed and pushed past him.

And right behind her was a lovely girl who looked shocked at seeing him there. _Perfect timing_. "Well, I'm here. What were your other two wishes?" he asked.

She was embarassed, but told him to meet up with her that weekend.

Later in the day, he dicided to shift to some basics. _Keep it simple, you know? The classics always seem to work._ He found his chance in History of Magic class. A striking Ravenclaw from the previous class was on her way out. He stopped her by the door.

"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me," he said happily.

"Sorry, I'm looking for Mr. Perfect," she said with an apologetic look.

"But I am perfect!" he insisted.

"No, you aren't. On second thought… Nah." And she just left him there, jaw on the floor and everything.

The unexpected one was at lunch when he caught the Slytherin sitting across from him smiling flirtatiously at him. So Draco took his opportunity. "I'm not really this tall… I'm sitting on my wallet." This one earned him an invite to her dorm and a jealous whack from Pansy.

"You know what? You eyes are the same color as the marble statue of Athena back at my estate." That one also earned him an invite.

So now, after these successful attempts, Draco was feeling confident. VERY confident, in fact. He strutted down the halls, basking in his talent to make girls swoon. _Does this work on professors, maybe? Not that I'd want to date one, but I bet I can stretch my wings that far. Oh perfect, I can try it right now…_ he thought as he approached the Divination professor.

"You must be from out of space because I can see the stars in your eyes," he said with a dazzling smile.

Professor Trelawney gave him a pitying look. "Aw, you poor dear," she shook her head, "I knew he never possessed the sight," she nodded her head. To Draco she said, "Dear, the stars… well, (points outside the window to the sky) they are high up in the night skies… not in my eyes, so sorry dear boy that you are misunderstood," she walked away shaking her head more.

Draco decided to change tactics yet again. As he neared a Slytherin girl a year below him, he said, "I've got a Firebolt," and smiled wickedly. Well, you make your own guesses here.

After the Firebolt incident, Draco's spirits were high. The rest of the afternoon though, wasn't as well. He had the misfortune of meeting a girl more arrogant than him:

"What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?" he asked.

"What does it feel like to be talking to the most beautiful girl in this room?" she batted her eyelashes.

And the horrid luck of finding a girl who (oh the horrors! What has this world come to!) DIDN'T want to kiss him:

"Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?" She just laughed and walked away. _Why not?_ He thought. _Usually, people fight over who can kiss me!_

And the ever so classic, "Hi, I make more money than you spend." Except that one didn't work. It usually has a 99 success rate. He figured today was just his off day.

Poor Draco, our dear, sweet, well, maybe arrogant, but sexy, delectable Draco Malfoy retired to his bedroom after a long exhausting and disappointing day and sat on his oh-so-comfortable bed. It was time to reevaluate this 'gift'. He took out a score card and began writing thoughtfully… he had quite some work to do.

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**A/N:** Ok so I thought I'd just put all of the most lamest pickup lines in one crazy fic. Hope you like, it IS meant to be cheesy, if that's what you're thinking. Oh this is completely slash free.

Next chapter….. Harry. Enough said.

Review please.


	2. Hermione

Dangerously cheesy, like i said before.

**Author's Notes:**I know I said i was gonna write Harry, but some things in it are meant for later. it's small, but it won't make sense with later chapters. So here's Hermione! Hope you like!

**Dislaimer**: I dont own anything, the lines are borrowed...

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It was lunchtime. Hermione Granger was in the library. Surrounded by… books. What else? Just books. 

Why?

"_I want a boyfriend." That's the first thing Hermione Granger thought when she woke up. _That's why.

A word or two on Hermione Granger: she is a bookworm, if you hadn't already guesses. She is top of her classes, smarter than anybody in the whole school. She can tell you anything off the top of her head, do anything with perfect ease. Unfortunately, she has difficulty finding a guy. Any guy, actually, it's just so hard for her. She craves a man's touch, a husky whisper in her ear, a… well, you get the point. So she went to the library- you guessed it- to research. See, Hermione has no clue how to get a guy. But there has to be books on it, right?

_There has to be some kind of formula! A definite rule on how it's done._ She was frustrated. After the 29th book she pushed the pile aside. There was nothing! _I should make one._ All she'd learned was be outgoing, smile, laugh… _that is so not me. Well, yeah, I am happy and all that, but the way it's written means BE A FLIRT._ So Hermione figured, if it's written within these volumes, it must work. She shrunk a couple of the books, stuffed them into her pockets, and stood up.

This was it. Watch out Hogwarts, the new and wild Hermione is ready!

And so Hermione set out to venture the halls of Hogwarts, searching for that potential boyfriend.

ZSCZSCZSCZSCZSC

There he was. Slick, brown locks, sun kissed skin, smooth moves to match it.. "Hi!" Hermione pounced before him.

"Gah!" he jumped. "Err.." he scratched his neck.

"Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!" she exclaimed.

"Oh. Thanks." He backed away slowly, his eyes never leaving her. He bumped into a wall and turned the corner.

"That's weird," Hermione said to nobody. "Oh well! There's plenty of love to spread!" She skipped down the hall.

She dropped her books and immediately a Ravenclaw picked them up for her. He always sat 6 tables to her left in Muggle Studies.

"You know, you could shrink some of the books while you're carrying them. Then they won't be so heavy," he suggested.

"Thanks! You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life! Wanna go out?" Hermione asked. (And giggled for extra measure. Must follow the rules in the book.)

Unfortunately, he just walked away.

Another guy was walking her way. _Hmm… Quidditch player… not bad…_ she sized him up. "Hey!" she said using her best sexy voice. Yes, she learns fast, remember?

"Hi there," he replied, grinning.

"Hey I'm looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?" she smiled.

He laughed and walked away. "You crack me up," he tossed over his shoulder.

Okay. So Hermione took out from her pocket some of the books she borrowed from the library, unshrunk them, and flipped through them. A Cheshire smile spread across her face. Newer and better lines are what she needed, and she found them.

Upon hearing footsteps, she shrunk the books and stuffed them away. It was the quidditch guy. "Excuse me, but you dropped something back there," she said to him.

"What's that?"

"This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight."

"Hahaha. Seriously, I'm getting a stitch," he laughed and resumed his… well, wherever he was going.

Hermione groaned. She needed newer approaches. She consulted her books and resumed her quest.

So next she found a rather good looking Slytherin. Tall, dark, handsome, mysterious, as expected. He was one of the nicer Slytherins, so she approached him. "Hi."

"Hi," he said, wondering why she was talking to him.

"What is your last name?" she asked.

"Zabini." He raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm, that goes kinda well with my first name," she said.

"Sorry, I've got my marriage arranged already," he turned away. _Maybe I came on too strong…_ the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, and she set off down the halls to her next class.

_I'll start basic, what's before marriage? _"Do you have room in your life for another friend?" she asked a Hufflepuff who was lingering outside her class.

"Sure, why not?" he shrugged. _Success!_ Too bad she forgot that she only made a friend. Her aim was a _boy_friend.

The next candidate heard a "Hi my name's Hermione. I'm funny, smart and have an interesting DNA structure." He stared at her strangely. Luckily the bell rang class began. _I guess that was too boring…_she thought as she began to take notes.

Hermione's next approach was different. Honestly, these books were letting her down. And this was a first. Exasperated, she went to the Gryffindor common room where she found Seamus.

"Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?" she said to him.

"Oh, why not?" He'd seen her all day frolicking to get a boy. She deserves a reward. He kissed her on the cheek and left with a, "See you later."

The wheels turned in Hermione's head. _I should try more kissing lines!_

"It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss?" she said to a sexy blond walking down the staircase.

"Is it really your birthday?" he asked.

"No, but how about a kiss anyway?"

"Oh, sorry," he said and carried on his way.

Well, so much for that bright idea.

"Argh!" Hermione growled. She slumped onto a couch. Today was unsuccessful. The books let her down. They let her down! Their advice didn't work at all! Depressed, and her faith in the bindings of pages shattered, Hermione dragged herself to her room. She still was without a boyfriend.

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**A/N**: well? do you like it? review please, the more i get, the sooner i'll update! if u have any ideas for lines, let me know! 

VVV


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